Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
