what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
