awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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