I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
