she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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