Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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