Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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