Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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