My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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