Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
