she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
