The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
