She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
