Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
