I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
