Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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