Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
