Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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