I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
