what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thus making me awesome and them whores
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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