Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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