3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
