I met the friendliest cop last night
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
