I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
