just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
