Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
