Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
