god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize