New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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