at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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