Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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