Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
