i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
