Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
