I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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