omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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