I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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