PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Randomize
