I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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