my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
