y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
