This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
