Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
did you just send me my own nude
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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