I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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