I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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