i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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