I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
