Your face is a jimmy john
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
