If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize