I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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