Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
