Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
