I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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