Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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