Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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