Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
