I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
