Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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