Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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