THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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