Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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