Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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